Ralph in Wonderland
by Revenge and Rainbows
Summary: Ralph takes a trip to Wonderland! So much crazy shit happens...it's overwhelming. Includes Jack as a sexy white rabbit. Oh yes. Rated T for language.
1. Ch1: Down the Unrealistic Rabbit Hole

**I know, I know, Alice in Wonderland spoofs are completely overdone, but I just couldn't help myself! So here's Ralph and his adventures in Rapist-I mean, Wonderland.**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN LORD OF THE FLIES AND I'M NOT FUCKING WILLIAM GOLDING. I AM NOT DEAD. I'M TOO COOL FOR IT. ANYWAYS, KAPEESH? GOOD.**

A light, somewhat refreshing breeze gently ruffled Ralph's golden hair. His blue eyes peered out from behind a cluster of ferns. He had originally tried to camouflage himself, but that didn't end up well, so he settled for hiding rather conspicuously in a bush. The prickly leaves tickled Ralph's nose, making him sneeze like in all the cartoons…okay that's kind of broad, but anyways Ralph sneezed and flipped the foliage off, angry at its ability to make Ralph sneeze when he was trying to spy on Jack! Or really he was just being a creepy fuck of a gun and waiting for Jack to by chance wander by because he has that huge of a crush on him.

Breezes started coming by less and less often until the air became completely stagnant. Ralph could practically hear his heart beat under his fantastic pecs as he waited for Jack, his beloved. However, he never seemed to come by!

Just as Ralph was about to leave in a dramatic huff, a small creature popped out of nowhere. Confused, Ralph rubbed his eyes and stared at it harder. It appeared to be Jack, but he had two tall, white ears atop his head with baby pink insides. He turned his amazingly gorgeous head towards Ralph, winked, and bounced off. This is when Ralph realized that he had a round, fluffy tail.

"Hey! Wait!" Ralph protested as he hurried after Jack the Bunny. He certainly didn't think seeing Jack would end up _this _way, and this was just weird. Ralph wildly batted palm fronds out of his face and hurried after Jack in a rather ungainly gait, trying hard to catch up to him. All of a sudden, Jack disappeared. _Huh?_ The blond boy swung his head left and right, trying to detect any sign of Jack with no success. _Up? Left? Right?_ Being the idiot that he is that, quite frankly, shouts too much, he didn't think of looking down, the only other direction left. Correction, he didn't think of it until a good five minutes after Jack had disappeared.

"Oh…" Ralph stared deep into the hole. It was wide, and seemed pretty deep. The eroded soil surrounding it started to further crumble, and pieces of debris started falling down the treacherous hole. Now, Ralph wasn't one for making stupid decisions on purpose, but he decided that maybe following Jack might lead to a very interesting adventure…or night in bed, he would be fine with either, and while he knew that the now rabbit-ized Jack would show up soon, he wasn't too patient and desperately dived into the hole.

**Bad ending is bad. Review!**


	2. Let's Go on a Diet!

**Chapter 2 guys! Excited yet? Well you should be! And I also finished reading **_**Of Mice and Men**_** yesterday and I almost cried…then our English teacher read it out loud in English and I cried...worst timing ever **** Anyways, I have a question for my fellow readers: What was your favorite part of**_** Of Mice and Men**_** (if you read it). I liked it when Lennie, Crooks, and Candy were talking. I thought that was nice because Candy's awesome**

**DISCLAIMER: I'M NOT WILLIAM GOLDING. I DON'T OWN LORD OF THE FLIES. I ALSO DON'T OWN ALICE IN WONDERLAND. KAPEESH? GOOD!**

Ralph fell down the dark rabbit hole for what seemed like ages. He literally had to experience his stomach dropping to his feet for ten minutes. That's right folks, ten minutes in hell. Now, Ralph wasn't one for rides or amusement parks of any sort back in England, so you can tell that falling down a pitch black hole with no idea of what's going to happen wasn't exactly his cup of tea.

While he fell, stupid questions emerged from the rarely used part of his brain like, _who am I?_ And _what is my purpose in life? _When really he should've been wondering when he would stop falling. He didn't even scream like a normal person would, he just let his body go limp and thought about dumb questions.

Finally he landed on the ground with a _thud!_ Every part of his being ached: his washboard abs, his perfect back, hell, even his retinas that helped his beautiful blue eyes see. As Ralph slowly pushed himself up, he let his eyes as previously described inspect the room. Underneath him was a cold black and white tile floor that seemed to stretch out in all directions as far as he could see. There were no walls, only doors. That's right, where the walls would have been was a long stretch of doors of all shapes and sizes: small doors, big doors, doors made of shiny silver metal, doors made of wood. It was door heaven.

Ralph stared at them quizzically. _Who the fuck would ever need so many doors?_ He thought. After pondering this for a few minutes, Ralph decided to pace the room and try and open the doors. But as he reached each one, they were all either locked or opened into a different room where One Direction was blasting, so naturally he let out a scream and shut the door whenever he approached one of _those_ rooms. A little later, he heard footsteps. Only they were coming from under him. He jerked his head down and frantically searched for the source of the footsteps. Out of nowhere, a tiny Jack Bunny darted across the room, saying, "Oh god I'm going to be late, this really sucks."

"Jack!" Ralph cried but before he knew it Jack had exited through a particularly small door. Ralph hastily flung himself on the ground and flung open the door with his index finger and thumb. Although the threshold of the door may have been short and narrow, he managed to get a glimpse of what was through it: a series of lush, green hills. Overhead was a cloudy grey sky that made the land seem less cheerful than it might have on a sunny day. Lanky multi colored trees stretched towards the sky and draped its branches downwards, giving it a morose appearance. Ralph, deciding that it was _way_ to depressing, shut the door, jumped up, and started pacing the room again. _What the bloody hell is going on?_

"Alice!" a voice whispered. Ralph whipped around; even though we all know his name isn't anywhere _close_ to the name Alice.

"Alice we-"

"Need to talk to you!" two boys stepped out of thin air. They looked a lot like Sam and Eric, only one had mouse ears and a spindly pink tail while the other had a fake, long orange beak and bird feet.

"Sam? Eric?" Ralph gasped.

"Alice! Why are you-"

"So grubby?" they collectively said.

"I just feel down a god damn rabbit hole, what do you expect? And my name's not Alice!"

"Don't-"

"Be-"

"Ridiculous-"

"Alice!" they exclaimed.

"Look, I-" Before Ralph had time to finish his statement, Samneric charged towards him and thrust a pretty sky blue dress towards him complete with an apron and a white hair ribbon.

"Change-"

"Into-"

"This!" the boys wrestled Ralph into the costume. He actually looked pretty cute in it, and with a little makeup he would be ADORABLE! But that's beside the point. Ralph glared at the sky blue dress and apron on him and adjusted the bow.

"Guys! Not cool! Get me out of this!" but before long the two had run off, but not before they flung a pie at his face.

"Gah! What the fuck?" Ralph, who was temporarily blinded, felt around for the pie and wrenched it off his face. As he rubbed the peaches and crust out of his face, he gazed down at the pie. There was a slip of paper in it that read _Eat me. I swear to god I'll make you loose, like, a shit ton of weight. I know this stuff is supposed to make you fat, but that's just what the system wants you to think. _Well, Ralph had never turned down something that would make him look fantastic, so he shoved the pie back into his face and started wolfing it down. The warm peaches slid down his throat, making him wish he were back on the island, throwing fruit at littluns like Roger would. Wait, why did he care about Roger?

Anyway, after he was done he did that annoying thing where he let out a sigh after eating it. But afterwards he got this weird feeling. It felt like his skin was to small for him as his interior expanded. Soon his skin started moving with it as he slowly grew. The feeling was quite uncomfortable, to say the least.

"Did that pie lie to me?" Ralph growled. Before long he had grown so big that he almost took up the entire room. He wasn't fat or anything, Ralph's too in shape to be fat, but his body size had just quadrupled big time. He let out a groan and awkwardly adjusted himself so he was sitting with his legs tucked into his chest.

"Why oh why oh why oh, did I ever leave Ohio?" he sang softly, even if he was from England. As he was feeling sorry for himself, he felt a tiny object fall onto his head and bounce into his giant hands. When he unfurled them he saw a tiny bottle that said _Drink me, I taste better than Pepsi but not as good as Coke._ Ralph, because he's really gullible and doesn't really learn anything from past experiences, hastily pinched the cap, unscrewed it, and tossed back the bubbly dark brown drink. It did in fact taste better than Pepsi but not as good as coke, and even better he breathed a sigh of relief when he felt his skin loosen around him and he noticed himself shrinking. But this feeling was short lived, as when he finally got down to normal size he kept shrinking. Panicked, he tried to stop himself from shrinking, but he didn't succeed. Finally he shrank to the size of Jack when he last saw him.

"Well shit, this sucks…" Ralph reached inside his apron pocket and pulled out a key. It was a shiny gold key; the end bit of it was done elaborately. He spun it between his fingers for a few seconds, trying to fathom what door would need this sized key? Suddenly the morose looking mini land popped into his head. He tried his best to run to the door, but his black one-inch heels slowed him down a bit. After five minutes, he reached the door and shoved the key in. He twisted it, trying to control the tremble in his hand, and excitedly flung the door open.

**Sorry this is so late…I'm not very consistent **


End file.
